I recently say a video on Facebook by, “the Yoga Couple” that made me want to share my opinions and feelings about the Feminine and the Masculine. I can see how there is an urgent need for this conversation and how the need for this video relates to the emasculating of men that is going on right now- in this day and age.
Women want to know where their 'men' are. They are pining away for the very thing that they are stunting the growth of. The first step is to know we are part of the problem. I bet I just triggered a large population of women right there. Hear me out.
I was once an independent woman who thought I could do it all and didn’t need a man. I found myself saying and sharing that sentiment among my women friends, who would then profess statements of the like back, in front of my son. We were so busy high-fiving each other from our wounded space that we, -I didn’t see what was happening right in front of us. Until one day….my 7-year-old son, asked me if my friends liked him. I responded, ”Of course! What makes you ask that?” He responded with all the hoo-ha and ‘man-bashing’ comments he had heard all of us say and joke about. ONLY it didn’t sound funny coming from his mouth. I didn’t feel accomplished when I saw the confusion in his eyes, felt the hurt on his emotional well-being. I was gob smacked! This is the lenses in which I would like to offer you to look through today.
When my son feels like most women treat men like they are not needed, like they can't do anything right, or worse- that men are bad people- I take a hard look at myself and my attitude that woman can do anything....and we CAN, BUT we shouldn't have to.
There is a ying and a yang for a reason- for balance. When striving for balance in life- Masculine and Feminine is not to be overlooked. We all have a masculine and feminine or ying and yang within us for internal balance, it is our masculine that gives direction and strength for forging a way forward.; it takes creation and helps it to be purpose driven. Our feminine holds flexibility and the ability to bend or change course; without it- we couldn’t hold our emotions so that we can feel them and also continue to function in the world. The feminine can hold chaos and create at the same time. My teacher Natalie Griffin would say that the feminine has the capability to take in all that is- even the darkness and birth something beautiful from it. Why, then does it not stand to reason that men and women were created to create balance in our external world.
So, I used courage and stopped worrying about whether another woman would call me an anti-feminist, and I softened my lenses a bit.
There is such uniqueness and power in each of these energies- and the human aspects themselves, why would we want to white-wash it? The answer is I don’t think we inherently do. I know I didn’t. Life happens and when it does, we can feel let down, betrayed, or alone. All of which I had felt during, and after my divorce. What was born out of that chaos though were the gifts of independence, competence, and feelings of triumphant. It was the wounds (betrayal and loneliness) that clouded my view, and willingness towards receiving safety, love, security, and being seen.
I was so busy being the masculine in my own life, that I stopped being feminine. I stopped being able to hold and feel emotions without thinking I would break. I was blinded to the fact that there are strong and gentle, men waiting to fulfill their purpose-and they didn’t want to take away my independence. Men who wanted to help bear the load, wanted and needed a feminine, nurturing ability. Men that needed a woman to be in their strong, healthy feminine so that they could show up and be a strong, healthy masculine- MY son needed that.
I decided the best way to teach my son how to be masculine was to tap in to my feminine again. He needed a ‘first princess’, to rescue- NOT from her troubles, but from bearing a burden all by herself. So, I decided to do it- I reached deep. I mean I already knew I was capable of being masculine when I was forced to be. Could I hold that truth AND not put it on parade? Could I hold that truth and still allow, and receive, and be feminine? Just because I CAN do something (be masculine), doesn’t mean I have to, right?
This is why, I don't make my son responsible for making me feel safe or emotionally supported through controlling his actions or criticism. (I keep my wounds & shadows out of the equation). I realize that he is learning how to be a man. So, I acknowledge when he is showing consideration for others. I allow him to get frustrated and make mistakes- it helps him to become confident about his decisions. I don't tell him he does something wrong, if it's not the way I would do it, I simply say thank you. I show him compassion and appreciation. He does ask for advice, and I do give it to him- from my feminine point of view. People often remark that I have an incredible relationship with my kiddo and maybe this is why- respect (mutual respect) goes a long way.
Practicing this with my son has made me a better partner too. With my partner, I try to make sure I allow him to take that role (masculine) BUT I also take accountability for my own safety, security and love by staying aware of my triggers, and by working through MY wounds and shadows. How can I receive love, safety and the feeling of being heard if I am not open to it, because of an "I can do it better", or because, of an, "At least I won't let myself down." mentality?
If I don't do these things for the men in my life, then:
1) I am perpetuating the cycle of emasculation with my son.
2) I am not honoring my relationship and I am making difficulty where there doesn’t need to be any difficulty.
For sure it can be hard when past traumas have led me to be an overly independent woman, but practice and getting comfortable with being uncomfortable creates growth. I believe it can create change.
All the good men are here, if we give them the opportunity to be. You are the feminine, be that in all its glory and power. Wear THAT ability to flex and bend and hold chaos like a badge of honor. All the Mamma’s out there, that are being forced to flex their masculine a little stronger; I see you- you are capable. You can do this, but remember even the strongest of warriors lets their blade rest in the sheath where there is darkness and quiet.
Below is the reel that inspired this blog. Take a listen.
https://www.facebook.com/reel/680002530690202?mibextid=9drbnH
