The Divorce Play List: ‘Should I Stay, or Should I Go Now’…Is Divorce Worth It?
By: Robin Zenczak
Clash- ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go Now ’
Come on, you know you are silently singing this song in your head right now…. you’re welcome! Perhaps you are even smiling? – This is the point; to be happy, right? This is why we want to know if Divorce is worth; this is why Divorcées get asked this question.
This question is not meant for the abused or victimized- get support and get out! If you simply have fallen out of love, but still care for your partner this may be for you, but if you are constantly disagreeing, fighting, stressed and miserable, then this is definitely for you.
The truth is that divorce is like anything else in life; it will teach you a lot about yourself. You will learn about your best self and your shadow self, and you will learn how to communicate…. eventually.
See whether you want to or not; when you have kids and get divorced you still need to communicate and compromise with your ex-partner (cue the eye roll here). When emotions run high and resentment runs deep it is difficult to separate our feelings from our communication; and this is when lots of drama can ensue. Poor communication with your Ex can leak into every aspect of your life: vacations, holidays, blending families, work schedules, sports activities and your general over all attitude and behaviors.
Rolling Stones- ‘I Can’t Get No Satisfaction’
Follow me on this last one: If all you are ever doing is arguing with your ex-partner, then your threshold and tolerance to compromise with others is affected. This type of communication will keep you in a state of pessimism and your neurons start to learn how to fire in that same pessimistic way- i.e. you are training your brain to go toward the negative. When this happens, your perspective around everything is tainted with it…a, ‘tainted love’ anyone?!
Let me back up, have you ever heard that old adage, that no one can make you feel a certain way, unless you let them? That statement both has truth and is not true- I mean if they weren’t being that way, you wouldn’t feel this way, right? Consider this, when emotions and resentment run high, it is often because we are being triggered by something. The bad news: it is not what our ex-partner is doing per se, but how we are perceiving or feeling it. In other words what they are doing or saying is not making us do, feel or say, but it IS affecting us. So, the part we need to own is why it is affecting us in this way.
Elton John- ‘I’m Still Standing’
THIS is how we begin to learn how to communicate more effectively. We learn our triggers, we learn how to separate our emotions from the business of taking care of our children, we learn how to manage our stresses and frustrations when our partners are being difficult (perhaps they are being that way because they are triggered). I want to make one thing VERY clear; it is NOT our job to communicate in a way that doesn’t trigger them; it is only our job to function at our highest potential and manage ourselves.
We manage ourselves by doing the work of self-inquiry and self-growth of what makes us tick and what makes us explode. It can be accomplished by methods of self-help, counseling or coaching. WE do the work to make US better communicators, and not just with our ex- partner, but with other people and our future partners.. .
Taio Cruz- ‘Dynamite’
Struggle and drama are all fed by fear, hurt, loss of control and poor communication. Only when we are strong enough to let go and look at ourselves, and how we are behaving, can we begin to clear the fog. Give yourself the credit that changing YOU, can cause effective change in your co-parenting relationship. You can choose to do it now, or you can wait until after you have drained all your energy, time, and money to the point that you just don’t have the energy to fight or worse; the stress of it all makes you physically ill.
So, is divorce worth it, all the drama, pain, life adjustments, financial strain, etc.? Only if you decide it is. You can decide that for yourself depending on where you are in your journey. Marriage takes love, work and communication, but so does divorce. In the end, you are dissolving the marriage vow and financial stability only not the relationship of family (mom, dad, children). When you can effectively communicate with your partner throughout the whole journey and live happy and aligned, then yes- it is worth it; for both of you.
Billy Idol- ‘White Wedding’
Perhaps start there when you ask yourself the question is Divorce worth it? Maybe start there with your partner before deciding if divorce is right for you. Seek help, not just to talk about your issues, but to learn how to communicate…..because if you don’t, then it will be a miserable journey filled with stress and anger and negativity that will leak into your subconscious thinking via your neuron and affect your sense of overall happiness and satisfaction in of entire life. Communication is key to all aspects of life and allows us to become interconnected with each other. Though it does not feel like a gift, this opportunity: the chance for self-growth and effective communication is the lesson in the process of divorce, if we have not already learned it. There is always time to, “start again”.
This article originally appeared in www.4spiritedhealth.com
