Where have all the good men gone? And who the hell am I?

I recently say a video on Facebook by, “the Yoga Couple” that made me want to share my opinions and feelings about the Feminine and the Masculine. I can see how there is an urgent need for this conversation and how the need for this video relates to the emasculating of men that is going on right now- in this day and age. 

Women want to know where their 'men' are. They are pining away for the very thing that they are stunting the growth of. The first step is to know we are part of the problem. I bet I just triggered a large population of women right there. Hear me out. 

I was once an independent woman who thought I could do it all and didn’t need a man. I found myself saying and sharing that sentiment among my women friends, who would then profess statements of the like back, in front of my son. We were so busy high-fiving each other from our wounded space that we, -I didn’t see what was happening right in front of us. Until one day….my 7-year-old son, asked me if my friends liked him. I responded, ”Of course! What makes you ask that?” He responded with all the hoo-ha and ‘man-bashing’ comments he had heard all of us say and joke about. ONLY it didn’t sound funny coming from his mouth. I didn’t feel accomplished when I saw the confusion in his eyes, felt the hurt on his emotional well-being. I was gob smacked! This is the lenses in which I would like to offer you to look through today.

When my son feels like most women treat men like they are not needed, like they can't do anything right, or worse- that men are bad people- I take a hard look at myself and my attitude that woman can do anything....and we CAN, BUT we shouldn't have to. 

There is a ying and a yang for a reason- for balance. When striving for balance in life- Masculine and Feminine is not to be overlooked. We all have a masculine and feminine or ying and yang within us for internal balance, it is our masculine that gives direction and strength for forging a way forward.; it takes creation and helps it to be purpose driven. Our feminine holds flexibility and the ability to bend or change course; without it- we couldn’t hold our emotions so that we can feel them and also continue to function in the world. The feminine can hold chaos and create at the same time. My teacher Natalie Griffin would say that the feminine has the capability to take in all that is- even the darkness and birth something beautiful from it. Why, then does it not stand to reason that men and women were created to create balance in our external world.

So, I used courage and stopped worrying about whether another woman would call me an anti-feminist, and I softened my lenses a bit.

There is such uniqueness and power in each of these energies- and the human aspects themselves, why would we want to white-wash it? The answer is I don’t think we inherently do. I know I didn’t. Life happens and when it does, we can feel let down, betrayed, or alone. All of which I had felt during, and after my divorce. What was born out of that chaos though were the gifts of independence, competence, and feelings of triumphant. It was the wounds (betrayal and loneliness) that clouded my view, and willingness towards receiving safety, love, security, and being seen.

I was so busy being the masculine in my own life, that I stopped being feminine. I stopped being able to hold and feel emotions without thinking I would break. I was blinded to the fact that there are strong and gentle, men waiting to fulfill their purpose-and they didn’t want to take away my independence. Men who wanted to help bear the load, wanted and needed a feminine, nurturing ability. Men that needed a woman to be in their strong, healthy feminine so that they could show up and be a strong, healthy masculine- MY son needed that.

I decided the best way to teach my son how to be masculine was to tap in to my feminine again. He needed a ‘first princess’, to rescue- NOT from her troubles, but from bearing a burden all by herself. So, I decided to do it- I reached deep. I mean I already knew I was capable of being masculine when I was forced to be. Could I hold that truth AND not put it on parade? Could I hold that truth and still allow, and receive, and be feminine? Just because I CAN do something (be masculine), doesn’t mean I have to, right?

This is why, I don't make my son responsible for making me feel safe or emotionally supported through controlling his actions or criticism. (I keep my wounds & shadows out of the equation). I realize that he is learning how to be a man. So, I acknowledge when he is showing consideration for others. I allow him to get frustrated and make mistakes- it helps him to become confident about his decisions. I don't tell him he does something wrong, if it's not the way I would do it, I simply say thank you. I show him compassion and appreciation. He does ask for advice, and I do give it to him- from my feminine point of view. People often remark that I have an incredible relationship with my kiddo and maybe this is why- respect (mutual respect) goes a long way.

Practicing this with my son has made me a better partner too. With my partner, I try to make sure I allow him to take that role (masculine) BUT I also take accountability for my own safety, security and love by staying aware of my triggers, and by working through MY wounds and shadows. How can I receive love, safety and the feeling of being heard if I am not open to it, because of an "I can do it better", or because, of an, "At least I won't let myself down." mentality?

If I don't do these things for the men in my life, then:

1) I am perpetuating the cycle of emasculation with my son.

2) I am not honoring my relationship and I am making difficulty where there doesn’t need to be any difficulty.

For sure it can be hard when past traumas have led me to be an overly independent woman, but practice and getting comfortable with being uncomfortable creates growth. I believe it can create change.

All the good men are here, if we give them the opportunity to be. You are the feminine, be that in all its glory and power. Wear THAT ability to flex and bend and hold chaos like a badge of honor. All the Mamma’s out there, that are being forced to flex their masculine a little stronger; I see you- you are capable. You can do this, but remember even the strongest of warriors lets their blade rest in the sheath where there is darkness and quiet.

Below is the reel that inspired this blog. Take a listen.

https://www.facebook.com/reel/680002530690202?mibextid=9drbnH

What does it mean to give your power away?

Some people will talk about not, 'giving your power away', but I don't think you can! It was built specifically for you by God, and it is YOUR birthright. But what is this “power” people are talking about? Well, it is your personal power- the power, or ability to show up as authentically you in this world. It is the power to say, “Yes, I like that or want this.” and “No, I don’t like that or want this.” It may come in the form of your infectious laugh, your ability to connect or lead people, or even your ability to support people. Your power is your ability to design your life. So, if your power is who you are authentically, at your core- your actual make-up of who you are on a soul level, then how can that be taken or given away?

I think, rather, what it meant by 'giving your power away' is when you allow others to choose for you- when you can use it and when you cannot. So, perhaps what you are giving up is your free will to use your power. And there is a myriad of ways that can happen, but to name a few: because we want to be loved, accepted and to belong. To be loved is to not be controlled. Someone who loves you will not control your laughter, they will inspire it, they will not stop you from connecting to people or dull the shine of your soul- they will encourage it. To be accepted is to not be judged. People who accept you with all your quirks and superpowers will not judge you, they marvel at it- rest assured these are authentic people. To belong is to find the types of people mentioned above, because that is your tribe, your community.

As for everyone else- love them anyway; they probably need it. You choose whether to do it and from what distance. But you see, they never really had your power, they just put it to sleep within you to keep themselves comfortable- or simply because they do love you and are afraid of losing you- be compassionate if you can- this says a lot about how they feel about their own self-worth or belief in their own personal power. Shine anyway to show them how it’s done. 😉

Consider this your alarm clock- AWAKE UP. 😊💖

My first time as a guest on this awesome podcast!

Have a listen to this conscious conversation I had with Jen Gagnon from Soulistic Vibes.

Not only is Jen a magnificent empowerment coach, but she is also the epitome of living freely. She is Badass and passionate and I’m proud to say I know her.

If you are newly on your spiritual journey, you may find this conversation helpful. We talk about the spiritual journey, spiritual bypassing, what it means to live an aligned life, personal growth, spiritual work and how to bring it into your everyday 3-D life and so much more. Do you want to hear what it is like to show up in this world authentically you? Have a listen. Link is below.

Soulistic Vibes: The Podcast has officially launched and I cannot wait to record episode 2💜

This podcast is all about conscious conversations about life, our journey and growth!!!

https://bit.ly/3LNbl4A

The Divorce Play List: ‘Should I Stay, or Should I Go Now’…Is Divorce Worth It?

The Divorce Play List: ‘Should I Stay, or Should I Go Now’…Is Divorce Worth It?

By: Robin Zenczak

Clash- ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go Now ’

Come on, you know you are silently singing this song in your head right now…. you’re welcome!  Perhaps you are even smiling? – This is the point; to be happy, right? This is why we want to know if Divorce is worth; this is why Divorcées get asked this question.

This question is not meant for the abused or victimized- get support and get out! If you simply have fallen out of love, but still care for your partner this may be for you, but if you are constantly disagreeing, fighting, stressed and miserable, then this is definitely for you.

The truth is that divorce is like anything else in life; it will teach you a lot about yourself. You will learn about your best self and your shadow self, and you will learn how to communicate…. eventually.

See whether you want to or not; when you have kids and get divorced you still need to communicate and compromise with your ex-partner (cue the eye roll here). When emotions run high and resentment runs deep it is difficult to separate our feelings from our communication; and this is when lots of drama can ensue. Poor communication with your Ex can leak into every aspect of your life: vacations, holidays, blending families, work schedules, sports activities and your general over all attitude and behaviors.

Rolling Stones- ‘I Can’t Get No Satisfaction’

Follow me on this last one: If all you are ever doing is arguing with your ex-partner, then your threshold and tolerance to compromise with others is affected. This type of communication will keep you in a state of pessimism and your neurons start to learn how to fire in that same pessimistic way- i.e. you are training your brain to go toward the negative.  When this happens, your perspective around everything is tainted with it…a, ‘tainted love’ anyone?!

Let me back up, have you ever heard that old adage, that no one can make you feel a certain way, unless you let them? That statement both has truth and is not true- I mean if they weren’t being that way, you wouldn’t feel this way, right? Consider this, when emotions and resentment run high, it is often because we are being triggered by something. The bad news: it is not what our ex-partner is doing per se, but how we are perceiving or feeling it. In other words what they are doing or saying is not making us do, feel or say, but it IS affecting us. So, the part we need to own is why it is affecting us in this way.

Elton John- ‘I’m Still Standing’

THIS is how we begin to learn how to communicate more effectively. We learn our triggers, we learn how to separate our emotions from the business of taking care of our children, we learn how to manage our stresses and frustrations when our partners are being difficult (perhaps they are being that way because they are triggered). I want to make one thing VERY clear; it is NOT our job to communicate in a way that doesn’t trigger them; it is only our job to function at our highest potential and manage ourselves.

We manage ourselves by doing the work of self-inquiry and self-growth of what makes us tick and what makes us explode. It can be accomplished by methods of self-help, counseling or coaching. WE do the work to make US better communicators, and not just with our ex- partner, but with other people and our future partners.. .

Taio Cruz- ‘Dynamite’

Struggle and drama are all fed by fear, hurt, loss of control and poor communication. Only when we are strong enough to let go and look at ourselves, and how we are behaving, can we begin to clear the fog.  Give yourself the credit that changing YOU, can cause effective change in your co-parenting relationship. You can choose to do it now, or you can wait until after you have drained all your energy, time, and money to the point that you just don’t have the energy to fight or worse; the stress of it all makes you physically ill.

So, is divorce worth it, all the drama, pain, life adjustments, financial strain, etc.? Only if you decide it is. You can decide that for yourself depending on where you are in your journey. Marriage takes love, work and communication, but so does divorce. In the end, you are dissolving the marriage vow and financial stability only not the relationship of family (mom, dad, children). When you can effectively communicate with your partner throughout the whole journey and live happy and aligned, then yes- it is worth it; for both of you.

Billy Idol- ‘White Wedding’

Perhaps start there when you ask yourself the question is Divorce worth it? Maybe start there with your partner before deciding if divorce is right for you. Seek help, not just to talk about your issues, but to learn how to communicate…..because if you don’t, then it will be a miserable journey filled with stress and anger and negativity that will leak into your subconscious thinking via your neuron and affect your sense of overall happiness and satisfaction in of entire life.  Communication is key to all aspects of life and allows us to become interconnected with each other. Though it does not feel like a gift, this opportunity: the chance for self-growth and effective communication is the lesson in the process of divorce, if we have not already learned it. There is always time to, “start again”.

This article originally appeared in www.4spiritedhealth.com